Anonymous asked: So my boyfriend and I recently tried to have vaginal sex. Tried being the keyword. I've never really had anything up there. I don't use tampons, and I don't finger myself when I masturbate. He can barely fit his head in. We've both been using fingers for the past week or two to try to stretch it out, but whenever a second finger is added, it becomes very painful. Sometimes it's even very painful with one finger. Lubricant isn't the problem... so do you have any stretching solutions?
I highly recommend medical dilators, and maybe even seeing a specialist like I did, as your situation sounds very similar to mine (link to an explanation of the trouble I had with penetration, may be worth reading for your specific situation). There is also a similar question we answered here, but since you are looking for stretching techniques specifically, I’ll go more in-depth.
For at-home stretching and control techniques, you have a few options:
- Try laying on your back and focusing on relaxing as much as possible. Use artificial lubrication (water-based and glycerin-free is best) and/or your own natural lubricant if you are comfortable trying stimulating yourself some first or getting yourself aroused to aid the stretching (this is an excellent idea with any stretching technique as the vagina extends and widens to accommodate anything that may penetrate it during sexual activity; you may even consider masturbating to orgasm to relax your self first if this does not make further stimulation uncomfortable or undesirable). Insert one finger into your vagina to a comfortable point (it does not have to be very deep) and press upward toward your stomach gently but so that you feel a distinct pressure and possibly a little stretching or tension within the opening of your vagina. Hold it there and count to 10 slowly. Repeat this at each degree of a clock (as though pressing upward toward the top of your pelvis/your stomach/bladder is 12 o’clock noon). Do this exercise just a few times a week to start and increase the frequency to once a day until you feel comfortable penetrating with two fingers, and then continue the exercise with two fingers. At this point you may also try opening your fingers slightly (without the pressing/clock motions) to create tension and achieve stretching.
- For some, muscle relaxation and control can be the main issue with being averse to penetration, or at least having more vaginal muscle control can aid them in relaxing to penetration in addition to stretching techniques. You can improve your strength and control of vaginal muscles by doing “kegel” exercises. This simply consists of clenching the muscles of your pelvic floor (the ones you would use if you were attempting to stop urine flow mid-stream) and holding them like that for 10-30 seconds (increase your time as your stamina grows) in sets of 5 or so. You can start by doing a set of 5 each day, and increase your numbers from there. The key to improving your control with kegels is to get yourself to be able to completely relax your muscles after holding them tense for a period of time. Once you are familiar with the sensation of doing this, you should be able to better focus on getting yourself and your pelvic muscles to relax, which will make penetration much easier.
- Lastly, I again recommend medical vaginal dilators. Dilators are essentially a series of smooth plastic dildos that start at incredibly small sizes and gradually increase in thickness from about the size of a pencil to 3 inches. I would order a set with many different small sizes to get you to larger ones. All you have to do is follow the same set up as the stretching exercises—use lubrication, whether it be artificial or your natural lubricant from masturbation/arousal or both, lay on your back, and focus on relaxing—and begin by inserting the smallest sized dilator into your vagina, and either masturbating with it or leaving it in place and just relaxing until you feel comfortable with it. Once you feel no discomfort, you can remove it and move up to the next, larger size. This may take very few sessions, or a regimen of frequent (every day or every-other day at the most frequent) to see results, but I have found it to be highly effective.
All of these methods can be used alone, but there is no harm in trying multiple, and they should only enhance one another and help your likelihood of becoming comfortable with penetration.
However, if these techniques do not work and you continue feeling pain from any penetration, there is a small chance your discomfort/pain could be due to vaginismus, endometriosis, or various other conditions. In this case you should not try to self-diagnose or treat, but see a gynecologist.